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  I was today years old when I learned where the word “soccer”came from. The game of football used to have two sets of rules: rugby rules and association rules. Teams would debate for hours over which set of rules to use everytime there was a match. Eventually teams decided if they were going to play by rugby football or “assoc. football” rules. And because it was trendy at the time to add -er to words, you had people who were “rugers” and “assocers”. Assocers eventually became soccer....

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  Interviewing the inventor of the battery: "Your first battery was named A. Then you invented the AA, the AAA, and the AAAA. Why?" "... I'm really scared of batteries."

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  I’m proud of myself. There were four large spots on my car where the paint was peeling all the way down to the metal. The body shop wanted $1200 to fix it. I did some research online, spent about $100 on paint and supplies, I did a pretty good job of it myself. You can’t tell anything was repainted unless you’re closer than about 10 feet. Then you can see some lines where the new paint overlaps the old paint. If I have to do it again, I can do a better job of feathering to blend it together fro...

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  WONDER WOMAN: (catches Dr. Maddkap with her Lasso of Truth) Now Doctor, no more lies! DR. MADDKAP: (struggling) I used to have sex dreams about Carmen Sandiego! BATMAN: (sighs) I told you, it’s not pretty in his head.

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  The only way that the "uncanny valley" experience could have evolved is if at some point in our history, being able to detect when something looked mostly human but wasn't human was NECESSARY FOR SURVIVAL.

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  "This belongs in a museum!" "So do you!"

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  This is the first time I’ve voted in the Republican Primary in 25 years. I switched my registration because I didn’t want to show up on lists as a Democrat or Independent. Just in case the country goes completely to hell and people start targeting anyone who isn’t wearing a MAGA hat. I figured I’d do some good, so I looked for candidates who were the LEAST aligned with Donald Trump. That was fun. Based on my research, there are two kinds of Republicans running for office: 1. The kind that...

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  I really feel for the Grinch. If I had people singings songs about what an asshole I was, I’d be pretty salty too.

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  SCHOOL: Your son missed school today, and this isn't a doctor's note. ME: Yes it is. I'm a doctor. This is a note from me. SCHOOL: You're not a doctor. ME: Yes I am. I have a PhD. SCHOOL: A LICENSED doctor. ME: I have a license! (shows them my drivers license) SCHOOL: (sighs) Mr. Kaplan- ME: (correcting them) DOCTOR Kaplan. SCHOOL: (grimacing) DOCTOR Kaplan, you need a license to practice medicine. ME: Aha! That's not what the rules say. (s...

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  I’m surprising my DnD group tomorrow. In the middle of the campaign, they’re about to encounter … the Muppetborn. It’s time to play the music … It’s time to light the lights … It’s time to meet the Muppetborn.

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  Via text: ME: “Satisfactory” has trains. ME: TRAINS. SON: what the peak ME: IT. HAS. TRAINS. ME: It’s been great being your dad for 13 years but I’m now devoting my life to managing my trains in Satisfactory. Best of luck to you. SON: understandable

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  More DnD Silliness My party met Al Chemy, the Muppetborn alchemy trainer. He introduced himself like this: (Cookie Monster voice) Let me tell you story. Man walk down street. It street in strange world. Maybe it third world. Maybe it his first time around. He no speak language. Him have no currency. Him foreign man. What me try to say is, you can call me Al.

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  The lab at MaddCorp fills with smoke, which is slowly removed by the air handlers. DR.MADDKAP: Well, that didn’t work. SCIENTIST: No sir. What should we do now? DR.MADDKAP: Why don’t we load everyone onto a spaceship and go in search of the lost colonies of humanity? CLAYFACE: Ah! The Buck Rogers Season 2 Reboot Strategy! DR.MADDKAP: Exactly. Or we could ask King Shark to come in here and we could literally jump over him.

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  My work switched from Windows laptops to Macbooks and I have a question. What fingers do you use to do the cut/copy/paste shortcuts? On a Windows machine those are CTRL-X/C/V. That's pinky-index for me. But the command key isn't in the right place for the pinkie. So how do you do it? My muscle memory is screaming at me!

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  Why isn’t “scold” the opposite of “swarm”?

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  It’s time to burn the incense It’s time to slay the sheep. It’s time to wake the Muppets From 1,000 years of sleep.

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  Ha! You can’t hurt ME! I saw this coming. Two months ago when I was overthinking.

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  RE: https://social.panic.com/@cabel/116859118033477400 UHMERICUH! FUCK YEAH!

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  This is a formal portrait of the surviving Apollo astronauts. That's Buzz Aldrin in the silver tux. I have to imagine the conversation went like this: ALDRIN: Ok, let's get started PHOTOGRAPH: Mr. Aldrin, you are aware that this is a formal portrait? BA: I'm not an idiot son. PG: Well your suit- BA: Son, have you been to the moon? PG: No sir. BA: Well I have. The moon. The motherlovin' moon. In a tin can run by a calculator and powered by a can of sterno. (1/)

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  I told my teenage son that I used to get 10 tapes in the mail for a penny. Then I realized I had to explain to him a tape, a penny, and the mail.

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  Americans will really do anything to avoid using the metric system.

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  For #pride month you cannot say “let me get this straight”. Instead say “ok just so we’re queer”.

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  I feel like we’re getting closer to the point where the entire world looks at Trump and realizes he is just full of shit.

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  So the IOC has decided to ban transgender women from competing, due to the unfair advantage of having gone through male biological development at various stages of life. Since we’re now interested in fairness, here are a few other things the IOC should ban: Athletes from developed nations (unfair access to training) Athletes from rich families (unfair access to just about everything) Tall people for sports where height matters (unfair advantage, you can’t make yourself taller) Short people...

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  I’m also working on a plan where we use canned meat to build walls that block Iran from firing on oil tankers. I call it “The Strait of Hormel”.

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  The Senate is currently debating the “last and final” offer that the GOP is making to end the shutdown. In other words, Democrats are about to turn spineless and cave in.

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  I propose that any time the United States uses military force against a sovereign nation, the President should automatically be put up for a recall election 30 days after.

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  I’m writing a sequel to Brokeback Mountain. It’s about two lesbian cowgirls. I’m calling it Lickslit River.

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  Hey try not to suck any dick on your way through the parking lot!

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  GO ARTEMIS GO!!!!!