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  It’s one of those rare nights when the glowing rectangle of doom is giving me joyful tidings

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  May we all live on a safe and boring planet someday

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  Every year we get the chance to live one hour of our life again. What will you do differently this 1 AM to 2 AM? I'm going to turn my life around

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  Someday, I’ll be a role model for people who have whatever my problem is

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  Sick of my neighbor walking in on me crying in his shower

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  I'm stuck at that awkward age between birth and death

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  Xylophones were just invented to give the letter X something to do

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  Sure, the world is hell, but sometimes it gives you good news as a delightful little treat

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  Just do your best. Hell, do your third best. Save the other two bests for an emergency

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  I still panic every time I try to put a shirt on and can't find the head hole

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  I will not rest until my work is done. Or I get distracted. Or slightly bored

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  The only thing we have to fear is reality itself

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  Speak softly and carry a big stick. When people ask you to speak louder, hit them with the stick

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  I would make a great tree because I mainly just hang out and murmur to myself

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  At the tone, please leave your name and number. Start a new life without them

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  Sure, I could “work on myself.” Or I could fake my own death and become The Legendary Masked Juggler

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  If I were my brain, I would simply chill out for once

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  I’ll stop at nothing to give up immediately

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  Hopefully you’re all in love with me by now, or else what's the point of all this

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  If I had a dollar for every time I needed a dollar, that would be convenient

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  You rarely hear bad news about cheese

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  You should stay up and read more posts. You’re just getting to the good part

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  I keep my fruit in a paper bag so it ripens quickly and I can throw it away faster

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  Relax. Everything will be fine. Not for you, of course. But somewhere, things are fine for somebody

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  Most of you are fine, a few of you are great, and one of you is the Killer

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  Self care is so important. Can somebody else do it for me

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  All the tasks are done. Time to flatten myself on a rectangle

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  This is the last straw. All straw manufacturers have shut down for some reason

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  I’m in my era era. What a time for times

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  I will never log “off” or become more “normal” or eat “less cheese”