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  We've all been there

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  I've said it before and I'll say it again - all science is made up. I could have written this. Just give me a lab coat and get me to CERN. I've got some sciencin' to do. Neglected particle from the dawn of time could explain why the universe still exists, new study claims https://www.livescience.com/physics-mathematics/particle-physics/a-neglected-particle-from-the-dawn-of-time-could-explain-why-everything-in-the-universe-exists

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  It is *quite* weird we're supposed to believe that these giant monsters used to just walk about the place before a big space rock made all their bones go underground. Oh yeah this one is a trillion years old, bigger than a house and looked like an armoured lizard. What are you SMOKING, my friend? Rare fossil of T. rex's little cousin sells for $47 million https://apnews.com/article/nanotyrannus-dinosaur-fossil-auction-sothebys-t-rex-2ad6c02610c3fa548a496b2395c83081

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  Yet another day is upon us. Relentless. An endless barrage. A ceaseless attack. If I could stop time I would simply lie motionless on the floor for 8 or 9 days straight (and then a couple of days curled up). Then I'd probably just do a bunch of crime.

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  Goodnight Fedi. You are - whether you like it or not - a collection of the most disparate and interesting sentient arrangement of atoms in this stupid thing we call life. For what it's worth I happen to think you're the most pleasing collection of nonsense to my fractured mind. So.... that's maybe something? I'm trying to say I love you and think you're terrific. Big love and power to you. You're gorgeous. Goodnight fam. Xx

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  Money isn't real

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  It is DARK. It is COLD. It is RAINING. I am TIRED. I had a bad day at work yesterday which I responded to by having a bit of a LATE NIGHT. I had to go to LONDON TOWN today, which is the loudest and most terrifying place on this or any other PLANET. I cannot convey to you the depths of which I do not wish to go running. I haven't been in weeks because I've been ill. I don't think I even remember how to run. Is that the one with the arms? Trish is basically making me go. Urgh. Stupid...

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  Important witch travel announcement

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  The full Obama speech from yesterday is well worth a watch if you're not totally keen on the current administration, or simply want to be reminded of what a terrific orator he is, or if you want to hear some of the most devastating burns of all time. It really highlights just how silly some of this stuff is. And whilst one guy is clearly lining his pockets and doesn't give a shit about the people who voted him in, the other guy still fights for them, regardless.

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  All of human accomplishment - an entire history of vast technological advancement. And yet the enduring achievement will be the Nazca Lines. No one gives a shit about the iPhone mate, show me your big ground drawings.

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  Obamas speech is absolutely brutal. 'He’s got the White House looking like Saddam Hussein opened up a Cheesecake Factory'. 😂😂😂😂

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  I'm bringing back greeting people in the streets. I have thus far good-morning'd 6 unsuspecting folk of my local community and have achieved a 100% hit rate. I cannot be stopped. I am the friendly neighbourhood....Goodmorning-Man. Goodmorning-Man, Goodmorning-Man. Does whatever a goodmorning can.

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  All I long for is a hidden door leading to a secret underground area. Possibly a cave.

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  Youngest went to a Halloween party tonight where she dressed as an angel - wings made by her and her mate. They are SO GOOD. I didn't know they were capable of this sort of stuff. They're still like 5 years old in my head.

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  Lovely weather for ducks (I haven't heard this in a while so just making sure it's still in circulation)

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  They should invent a year that's good

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  My advice to anyone thinking about joining the Fediverse is don't. I've just got things all how I like them and don't want you coming in here and messing everything up. Go and play outside or go to your friends house or something. See what's on at the cinema. You like the cinema.

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  Youngest finally made me sit down and watch Spirited Away with her. And it was brilliant. Mad and gorgeous. If you haven't seen and you weren't sure - do it. X

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  Does anyone know how to join the Illuminati? I am available if anyone knows any of them. I'm happy to make the teas, am morally flexible and am happy to come up with shadowy plans of global domination.

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  I quite LITERALLY don't care what anyone is doing or thinks on twitter. There is nothing I need to know from any person who chooses to engage with that site. They have zero value to me. I do not respect them. There are no exceptions. If you think of someone that might be, you are wrong. You cannot justify feeding a vehicle that causes catastrophic harm and pain.

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  I don't suppose you want to see 200 cats being woken up from anaesthesia?...

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  Ruin a book by adding a word The EVIL Bible Captain Corelli's Mandolin Hammer Pride and Racial Prejudice The Problematic Godfather The Great Big Gatsby The Count Dracula of Monty Cristo The Lord of the Penis Rings Black Beauty Pageant Watership Down Syndrome The Erotic Tale of Peter Rabbit The Secret Murder Diary of Adrian Mole Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Massacre (reckon I've improved some NOT ALL of these tbh)

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  As Prepotente might say; AAAAAAH! 🐐 "Have fun out there, and remember to kill, kill, kill!" Dungeon Crawler Carl TV Series Filming 2027 https://variety.com/2026/tv/news/dungeon-crawler-carl-tv-series-filming-2027-release-date-1236907644/

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  Amazing that in 2026 we still don't know what jade is. Is it a rock? Is it a plant? Literally nobody knows.

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  People who are disabled in some way are not less than, and do not deserve to be pitied or looked down on. If they want your help they'll fucking ask for it. Do not say awww or they're so brave or whatever. Dignity is universal and shouldn't have to be won. You are not the moral arbiter of their life. X

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  Today I am mostly dealing with imposter syndrome

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  It is the year 2034. It is now mandatory to show your ID to the toilet. ID NOT VERIFIED. LID WILL REMAIN CLOSED UNTIL YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY UPLOADED YOUR PASSPORT, COMPLETED THE RETINA SCAN AND IDENTIFIED ALL SQUARES CONTAINING A SCOOTER.

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  😂 This is how many times council has repainted ‘L’ on Pool Square street sign after vandalism https://www.thestar.co.uk/news/politics/council/this-is-how-many-times-council-has-repainted-l-on-pool-square-street-sign-after-vandalism-9219390

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  What an absolutely marvellous evening. Thanks to someone really lovely thinking of me when unable to go, I got to take youngest tonight to My Neighbour Totoro. Really great. Lovely. Mysterious. Hilarious. Exciting. Perfect night, really. Had a really Very Good hang with kiddo and it was just a top tier experience for us both that goes straight into the formative memories/win box. Strong recommend. Lovely theatre aswell. Today was a good day. ❤️😊🙌